... it is almost the end of may, already. i wouldn't like to say where the months have gone since january, that is, its far too crippling sad to say what the truth is, that they are nothing any more, and won't ever return.
alright yes, i do sound terribly sad about everything. perhaps it is just my nature. more likely though i just don't write here unless i have thought about something, and thinking about anything, i think, leads to sadness in the end. its what comes from living in a world where everything comes to an end, eventually, and of liking that world, despite it.
sitting amongst graves at 5am and entirely alone. the graveyard slopes though, when you are at the entrance, you can't see down to the bottom, and when you are in the middle, you can see neither the bottom or the top, the various paths slope and slide away leaving you with ominous crests and dips out of which anyone could emerge, quite suddenly. in the daytime the crests are areas of opportunity and friendliness, where an old friend or a friendly stranger will probably stroll, come over, and make you smile. at 5am, they attract your eyes constantly, with if not fear, at least watchful mild anxiety. i ask all the birds just for a few seconds to please stop singing so loud so i can listen - was that a human shout, laugh, call? is there someone else over the other side, hidden by the stones and trees? - they ignore me, of course. watchfulness slips into blurryness, and i want to sleep, hearing the church tell me every 15 minutes how long i've been... rely instead on blackbirds, rabbits and pigeons to be my alarms. they are constantly false.
finding, that the remembrance of food creates a backwards feeling on the roof of my mouth and tongue, something being rubbed over it from back to front, a sort of disgust. finding myself wondering detatchedly whether this, in fact, is the route of eating disorders, an unmeditated repulsion to things that have been eaten and enjoyed, and nothing to do with body shape at all, an addictive side effect. so i push thoughts of past meals out of my head.
can the mind be trained to just not think about things? if i tell it "no" often enough when it does, will it obey? i feel i could manage a partial exclusion, a diminishing, though never complete, as a thought could be triggered at any time by anything... but i don't know if this could be by force of will, more likely it just comes from passing time, and what i would like to term authority, is just forgetting.