right now i feel... happy? content? i probably shouldn't, but i do.
well it is waning by the minute but still...
happy. content.
probably something to do with the fact i woke up this morning with a smile on my face. i'm not sure i have ever done that before. my dream broke just at the moment i was smiling and laughing in it, and though i certainly would have preferred to continue dreaming because it broke right before things got really good (why does that always happen?) it was still nice to enter the day feeling happy.
and i am spending my days listening to 60's music and making necklaces out of beach-combed treasures and reading virginia woolf and eating toast. trying to single-handedly drink up the flat lemonade in the fridge.
it would be nice for a while to slip into easy contentment, for days to slide by quickly in sun and singing, i think thats what i'm aiming for right now.

do one thing that scares you each day. thats what they say. i find it odd that even little things scare me. well, not scare, but i'd rather not do them. in which case i have done many today already, including asking the man at the library to get books for me from the stack. or wandering around the ghost-town photography corridor wondering how i am going to rescue my coursework and eventually having the courage to ask the technician...
he was very sweet. and he had amazing eyelashes (today is an eyelash day). not overly thick or dark or long (sighs...) but they framed his eyes like a star.
tomorrow i will buy knitting needles.
i think i should read before i go to sleep. i have a very big book rosseau's "confessions" it is red and old and i can anticipate it's weight on my legs through the cover as i sit in bed. hopefully it will tire me enough so i fall asleep right away, rather than, like the last few weeks, staying awake wth conversations running through my head, and imagined emails until i have to get out of bed and actually write them before i get any peace...
federer has cut his hair.
....................................................
....
.

you know if you cry in the shower you can almost pretend you aren't doing so at all. like that song about crying in the rain... i forget who by... but our record player broke and we got rid of it, and now we can't play that record any more. which is a shame, i liked that song.
i don't think crying helps with revision though.
look at all that freedom now webster's out of the way! "glories like glow worms afar off shine bright, but looked to near have neither heat, nor light".
"The robin redbreast and nightingale
Never live long in cages"
.........perhaps if i can just be nice. i must be nice, and turn off that spiteful voice in my head. being nasty will only increase the problem...... its so hard to be nice when it hurts.
i must be nice.

so... i've been slacking. i really wish i wouldn't get upset at times like these, because my exam is on friday and i did no work today. i was too sad. i sat in the library in a leather seat and it was so hot the sun shining right onto me and i looked out of the window at a boy and a girl in the road below they seemed to be doing nothing but hugging and kissing with breaks to smile at each other in between.... and i did no work on the bus, i think i was thinking. i shall have to do some tomorrow whether i am content or not. losing yourself in philosophy is no bad thing, i should think, when you can't work out life.
i could see, in the dark grey reflective glass of empty abandoned shop windows on my way to the bus this morning, my own reflection, and red parted lips and eyes raised upwards, and i looked like a painting but i felt like a video. tears prickling in my eyes but not coming.

but we made elderflower drink today, drinking flowers, how wonderful. we collected them in the evening sunlight, and it was all golden. we saw baby frogs, my favourite things. and at home we mixed flowers and lemons and sugar and it was all golden and cream and green and we tried not to see the bugs. perhaps summer will be good (if it smells like that.)

i should go to bed.

shes not in the darkroom. and no one has grabbed her waist or kissed her neck. in fact, if you ask me, i think shes still in her head.
i mean really... it would have been long enough if it was flat and white, it would have been long enough if it were full of flowers and birds. but i am quite tired of it especially when i keep nearly falling off the cliff. *looks at map* this isn't the path i wanted to take.
doesn't life seem to drag sometimes? i mean, when you go to the same bed every night and your head wants to ache from having to sink into the same pillows and the same sleep. and every morning you try to look at your watch but can't, because your eyes are too blurry... it gets tiresome...
but the 4am blackbird is lovely, in swirling sleepiness... gosh... it sounds almost human. its light out at 4 now. or its dawn at least.
tiredness. that is it. tiredness. that is it. tiredness. that is it. tiredness.
oh it just goes in circles.