i got confused and i thought your eyes were mine

yes, this blog has been neglected for a few weeks. things have been... happening.
i'm never quite sure how much to write in this blog, i'm not entirely sure i want to give every last detail of my life out to anyone who cares to see. and also, how can i ever write honestly about people and situations, knowing theres a chance they could read it? i think perhaps names and details will have to remain confined to real-life-paper-journals, but i'll do my best here to explain.
what do you do when you have to say goodbye to someone who you won't see again for years and probably never again? and what do you do when you were just getting dangerously fond of them? and when for several months you won't know where they are in the world and you won't even have the pitiful comfort of emails or letters? and you don't even think that they think of you in the same way anyway? and they can't possibly be finding it as hard as you are?
nevermind trees growing out of churches, what about trees growing out of people? i don't suppose anyone would understand if i tried to explain the dappled green light that seems to muddle around my head constantly, or the weight of carrying branches on my shoulders. i ran my hand down the iron handrail, covered in peeling white paint, just to hear the soft sound it made, and to feel the reassuring extension of the real world, just to give myself some sensation that came from outside myself. i seem to have unintentionally donned an invisible suit of armour. my reasons being that something is weighing me down terribly, why do i just sit for hours finding it hard to move? also, there is something cold and hard pressing against my torso at all times. or perhaps i have just swallowed a brick. fountains run hot and cold in my throat. i thought at the very least i would tell him that i would miss him, but how can you talk when your throat is stuffed full of cotton wool? so i just turned around and walked away. and i hate myself for it.

still, i suppose it'll only take a few days for these feelings to fade. i'll get caught up in the world and normality, daily routine and all that, and only a fragment of the feelings now will return when he drops me a line. i'll stop thinking about never seeing him again, and i'll stop associating songs and places with him, and i'll stop thinking of things to say to him........ and everything will fade back into normality.