i'm just letting these days slip by i hardly notice them perhaps i don't even want to notice them perhaps i'm letting them slip past because i want them to go perhaps i'm not letting them at all perhaps i'm actively forcing them.
emotion is interesting when your days are spent alone and with your own thoughts. there is a tendancy to become complacent about the world, if there's nothing to stimulate you, doesn't everything become flat? so when i get so angry with the cd player for telling me "no disk" when thats a blatant lie, and i hit it, and it hurts my hand and doesn't make me feel any better anyway, well thats interesting. it's like, if you feel nothing for long enough, then emotions are going to spark out of you whether you like it or not. and then i sit on my bed and look at my hand and hope i didn't break the cd player and wonder why whenever it tells me "no disk" i get so angry i can't contain it. there's the opposite aswell, an amusing thought will take hold of me, and a laugh will escape by accident, just bubble right out of my mouth. and i'll have to check myself, and hope no one was around to hear, because you know, only crazy people laugh to themselves.

i was thinking the other day about the year 2000 and how we spent that new years eve with people we didn't know, and like ever with people we don't know i couldn't help but hide away in my shell, i'm not sure i said 2 words all evening. and i remember wondering vaguely beforehand about the passing of the century and suchlike and trying to work out whether i really cared or not and whether it really meant anything or not, and i was kinda hoping it did mean something because that would make it exciting. i remember watching the clock edging towards midnight, i remember the last 10 seconds. and then i remember when it hit midnight. there was a split second, where i noticed that the clock had struck midnight but no one else had. this, as i said, was a fraction of a second, but it seemed to last forever. the first second of the new century and everyone else's reactions were too slow, and there i was, lost and floating in the first fraction of a second of the new century, wondering why no one else was reacting. i wanted to clap or laugh or shout, but i was in the company of people i didn't know, and didn't much like, so i stopped myself, and i waited for someone else to notice first. that was my very first experience of the new century: too quick for other people, but too shy to show it. hanging back waiting for someone else to take the lead. lost in uncertainty about myself and surrounded by people i didn't want to be surrounded by. i can't help feeling that the turning of the millennium was important, that it did mean something, because the very first moment of it seems to have tainted the rest of it.