ok so it's been a while.

whats been going on? hot tears and mild winters i suppose. silver crosses and black hairbands. glowing orange leaves falling down gently all around my head, the company of magpies then blackbirds then crows then a lone buzzard. finding myself smiling to myself accidentally and all the time. diamonds... diamonds... sparkling... the light through my bedroom window - the pink sky. "whether it is the spirit of woman or the spirit of greatness i know not... i owe her much of pity..."

i suppose in this period of relative safeness i can say that its the butterflies in my stomach that i can cope with. perhaps it's even safe to say (though this may be a lie) that i can cope with the crushing weight that comes with mild disappointment, that comes with the unknown, with not knowing, with not being able to see clearly, or at all. that is all becoming familiar to me now (like when i first found myself in the film processing cupboard, and in the pitch dark just out of habit i kept holding the film up in front of my eyes, trying to see it though there was no light. after a couple of times i stopped, and just did it by touch. you can get used to not seeing.) but i cannot say that i was expecting the burning heat in my heart. i know my body pretty well. it has never done that before. i am used to feeling emotions in my stomach, in my throat, even in my hands. yes, occasionally, my heart will jump, or skip a beat, but never has it burnt before. heat radiating outwards... i thought i was wearing a red tshirt, but it was actually black.